I write

I have something to say and if I don't say it now I worry I might never.

I write.

Not necessarily well, and maybe never professionally. I will likely never get paid, and it doesn't really matter to me if others read my words.

What matters to me is that I write.

I wrote an email response to a friend today. I typed the words that were on my heart without edit or caveat. I let the words come naturally and fully. Not what I had planned on writing but what was truly on my heart. Just that simple act, an email, and my heart felt lighter, more settled because writing, as it turns out, is my catharsis.

And there are so many reasons why I haven't written, and why I may not still. But for today, I write.

I write because I want my girls to find their voices and to use them. I owe it to them to do the same.

I write because I am learning to say 'yes'.  Out of self preservation I default to 'no'  but I have been discovering the freedom that can come in saying 'yes'.

I write because in writing I make sense of my thoughts, my fears, my world. It connects me to myself, grounds me, calms me. It's the cheapest and most effective therapy I know.

I write because I do it anyway, all the time. Even though I rarely get them down, I formulate my thoughts into words constantly: in the shower, at night when I lay awake, in the car while I'm driving. And I wish I had them all recorded, all those thoughts, because for me writing is my living archive - the best way I know to process and preserve what is important to me. I write to my girls privately, sharing with them as honestly and openly and without any reservation what my heart longs for them to know, what I fear I've failed to express, what I desperately need them to remember. God forbid something happens to me, the biggest gift I can leave my girls are my words because in reading my words they will know my heart. And my heart is really all I have to give.

I write because of a few words of encouragement I've recently received. The kind of words that mean something from a voice that doesn't placate. Unsolicited, measured, premeditated, and heartfelt words that will give me life should I let them. Words that ought to be taken to heart.

I write because that voice in my head that reminds me that there are millions of better writers out there so why should I bother is a lie. I write so that I may name that lie. I write to fight its power. I write because my voice might not be a great one, but it is uniquely mine.

I write because life is short but it's never too late.

And I write because of that fire in my bones, simmering always there under the surface. Because when I write I can feel the warmth of the flames.